It's OK

It's OK To Deal With Things In Your Own Way

I've had a tough few weeks, and if you know me at all you would know that that sentence alone is hard for me to even admit.

I'm very private and I would say I'm quite guarded. I don't choose to share a lot of my life with people and when I see others sharing every detail of their life, I can't help but question why. Why would you want to tell someone that you're going through a tough time? That something awful is bringing you down and you can't stop crying? What do you gain from offering that information?

I come from quite a large family. My dad is one of six, and I am one of 16 grandchildren, and then we have eight grandchildren (four more are on their way). Growing up, I didn't even realise I had a big family, I didn't bat an eyelid.

Now this is the hard bit for me. In the last six months, we've lost three people from our family. My Auntie Lou, Uncle Kevin, and most recently, my Grandpa. I've experienced grief before, but I've never lost anybody who was that close to me. So, to lose three in six months has taken a huge hole out of our family. I come from a family of very strong people, I idolise my dad for his strength and bravery. Over the last six months he's had to make so many tough decisions, and had to take the reins on so many situations on the behalf of our family. Everyday we remind him that we don't know how we would have done it without him.

I love my family to bits. But somewhere in all of us, we have it engrained that to show suffering and pain is a sign of weakness, and if you show somebody that weakness they could use it against you. I always liked that I was private and that I don't need nor like to lean on people for support or help. Like I said, I question why others would want to share this kind of information with others. I personally do not think it would help me very much.

Don't get me wrong, I do have a few people in my life who I willingly share things with. I'm not afraid to cry in front of people, I'm not ashamed to say that I'm hurting or I'm not OK. I just struggle to find the desire to seek others for help.

After recent times, I've now realised how hard that makes me as a person to be around. It must be hard for my friends to want to be there for me, to offer their support, but be met by a brick wall. Effectively, that is what I have been at certain points. This is something that dawned on me this week, when I was met with messages from my friends asking questions. I started to beat myself up about the fact people were trying to comfort me, to help me and I was rejecting it completely.

Then I realise that the only way I have gotten through these last few months is that way and that way only. I realised that every message I have replied to has been my honest response at that given moment, if I said I didn't want to talk, it's because I didn't. No attention seeking, I wasn't actively trying to be private, I just didn't seek a conversation at that point in time. And you know what? That's OK.

So really, this post is a kind of 'To Kirsti', for the future. When I start to question whether my actions are right, or whether I should deal with it in that way, the answer is yes. Whatever your gut tells you, whatever your instinct is, is perfectly OK. Grief and mourning are an awful but strengthening period, and if the people around you tell you you're doing it wrong, they aren't the kind of people worth leaning on anyway.

Kirsti x

It's OK To Have Different Friends

It’s like we are taught from a young age that we will always be in a group of friends. I don’t remember ever being told that, but it was always portrayed as the ideal, wasn’t it?

Look at Sex And The City, four girls who are best friends. They are a solid group who always meet up and are just always friends, no matter what. And Friends, a group of six people who just fit together. They have other friends who flitter in and out but those six always stick.

The problem is that this is unrealistic. But this is also saddening. Most of us feel that if we aren’t part of some sort of friendship group that we no longer have any and nobody really cares about us. We feel like we’ve failed in society and that it must be a personal thing - we must have something wrong with us?! Surely?! No. You don’t.

As I grew older, I realised it was less important to have one best friend who fulfils every purpose. Now, I have friends for different reasons. I have friends who I trust, these are the ones I would confide in or moan about something if I’m having a really crap day. Then I have friends who I primarily see to get drunk with or just go for lunch now and again. 

Now there are plenty of other roles that friends fulfil, and some tick more than one of those boxes. But the point is, it doesn’t make them less of a ‘friend’ to you because you can’t trust them, or you can’t say something crude to them because they don’t quite have that sense of humour. This is normal. I promise.

I love my friends for all different reasons. I dislike them hugely at times too, and this is a major thing I really picked up on at university. When I moved away and started to make new friends, I realised things I found there were things I desired in friendships – then I realised that this was a really fixed way of looking at it. Why am I looking for characteristics in people that I already have in others? Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of friends who are very similar to each other, and I get on with them for those reasons, but it’s OK that some of my friends are the complete opposites.

In fact, I love it. It gives me so much variety in what I can talk to people about, I’m not flittering between people repeating the same conversations and receiving the same answers. If I have some kind of issue I want opinions on, I can gather a complete range because my friends aren’t all clones of each other.

What I’m trying to say, is that at school it was drummed into you that your best friends were the people you got on really well with, or the ones that always invite you over to their house. This was incorrect, because when I left school I soon realised that a lot of people were in my life because of habit. This doesn’t mean I dislike them any less, it just means that when we were taken out of normal situation, it turned out we weren’t that good friends after all. It wasn’t fake, it was life.

Some people you will realise you actually have nothing in common with, and in reality they are actually a pretty shitty person. They lied to you, they were sly or they were just plain rude – either way, you’ve decided you actually don’t want them around anymore. That’s fine. Sometimes it takes a step back to realise what you were putting up with for the sake of a ‘friend’.

My advice is to evaluate what you want from your friends. If that friend makes you laugh til you’re belly hurts, but she has a tendency to gossip… then don’t tell her those really private things that you don’t want to be shared. Nobody's perfect, it's unlikely that you will find somebody with no faults or annoying habits. 

Oh, the most important thing - remember that you should be valued too, if somebody wants you in their life, they will show it and they will act on it. Don’t do all of the chasing, you’ll regret it one day.

Kirsti x

It's OK To Drift Apart From Friends

Before coming to uni I was completely convinced that your best friends were the ones that you had been friends with the longest. I was under the illusion that they had known you the longest, and therefore knew you the best. 

Then I met Kirst, and within a week of knowing her I realised that she already knew me better than people I had known my whole life (probably because we are basically the same person, but still), and I started to understand that the strength of a friendship is reliant on the quality of the time you have spent together. 

When we are at school we form cliques, and from a young age get stuck with a group that we convince ourselves, are the perfect people for us. We get comfortable, and the thought of ever not being friends with these people is impossible. We just assume that the only way the friendship will end is if we have a huge fall out, otherwise we will remain friends forever. 

Unfortunately as you grow up, and your circles widen, you realise that this assumption couldn't be more wrong. You soon start to realise that when you don't have school, or living in the same area forcing you to see each other all the time, the friendships do not remain the same. 

When these friendships are tested, true colours start to show and instead of the big fall out you imagined, the friendship just simply fades, and that's ok. 

You'll find that people become less interested in your life, and that when communication is no longer easy, people put less effort into doing so. You'll realise that there were so many things that you would just put up with  (when you shouldn't have), and it will cause you to view your 'friends' in a whole new light. You'll meet people that you are far more compatible with, and come to the realisation that you and your old friends don't really have that much in common. 

The point is that when we are younger we are far more programmed than we will ever realise. We stick to what's familiar, and often find ourselves in circles that are safe, but not necessarily where we fit in best. As your life starts to change, so will your interests and expectations, and it's completely ok if your old friendships begin to drift as a result. 

Change is good, and as you grow as a person it's natural for you to grow apart from people that were very much a part of the old you. 

This doesn't mean to say that you never talk to them again, but instead you accept that your friendship is no longer the same. Spending days together turns into the odd cuppa and catch up, telling them your life story turns into 'i'm good thanks, how are you?' and thinking you will be best friends forever turns into being thankful for the friendship that you once had... and that's OK. 

Emma x

It's OK To Have Felt Like You Want To Leave Uni

Nowadays it's drummed into us that after college Uni is the next step. College puts pressure on you to apply if you're unsure, and with everyone around you being tempted you find yourself doing it too. Before you know it you've convinced yourself that a) Uni is your only option, and b) it's what you want to do.

Fast forward a year and you've made it. You're a Uni student. You're here so it must be what you want, and you must be happy with your choice, right?

If it only it were that easy! Trust us when we say that whether you are waiting to go to Uni, are in your first, second or final year there will be times when you will ask yourself 'what have I done'?.

If there's one thing all students will agree on it's that Uni really is an emotional roller coaster. You will go through phases so quick that sometimes you aren't even aware of the phase you are in. One day you will love Uni and another day you will completely hate it, and question why you ever thought it was a good idea.... and that's ok.

There are a million reasons why you we feel like this, and we can guarantee that you are not alone in feeling it. Maybe you're struggling with your course, whether that's finding it too hard or just wondering if you have chosen the right one (especially if you're first year), or maybe it's the Uni life itself.

The problem is that Uni is like nothing you have ever experienced before. Up until now you've been pretty safe in your comfort zone, and mostly known what to expect. Uni takes that comfort completely away from you, making you feel unsettled, and sometimes all alone.

If you make it through Uni without ever questioning your choice of going then wow, well done you! But for the rest of us, it's completely normal to feel like this. While we have had these thoughts many times, they have always passed and we have managed to fall back in love with Uni again. Having said this, it's ok if you can't. You've made such a huge life change, and the thought of backing out of it can actually be daunting than seeing it through.

You need to do what makes you happy, and despite what society is telling you, Uni is not for everyone. Don't be afraid to leave if it's not for you, but remember that sometimes you will have doubts, and that's OK.

If it's becoming a constant feeling then maybe it is time to consider your options, discover whether you really want to complete Uni. But for most of us, doubts will come and go, its unlikely that you will feel 100% about your choice to be at university, ever (sorry to break it to you). Remember you're not alone, and many others are/have been through it.

Our advice? Don't make rash decisions. It's OK to have doubts.

It's Ok To Have A Bad Day

We've all been there, you wake up and your mood instantly seems off. There's no real reason for it, but you just know that it's going to be a bad day. 

Yesterday Kirsti tweeted "I've had the worst day in the history of worst days and it's not even 3pm". If you looked at yesterday and tried to pinpoint why this was, you would find no evidence. Apart from the fact we missed a lecture because we couldn't find anywhere to park (this was a one off, promise!) - it was a pretty normal day. 

Nothing negative had happened. No arguments, nothing. We even had a pretty decent dinner (enchiladas, nachos and salad, if you're wondering). We realised we had spent the whole day punishing ourselves for being in a bad mood, which as you can guess, didn't exactly make us feel any better. 

Why are we sat here trying to force ourselves into a good mood? Emotions are temporary. They are feelings. They aren't a way of life. Just because we are not sat here crying with laughter every moment of the day, doesn't mean we are bad people.

We all have these days. You wake up and the mood is already engrained in you. Then you set off into the world with this mind set, making every little thing seem to contribute to making your day worse. Things that normally wouldn't phase you are suddenly the worst things that could happen and you find yourself angry, demotivated and annoyed at just about everything. 

You start to get annoyed at your attitude, telling yourself to 'snap out of it', but really if you could then you would. 

The point is that it's ok. You're allowed to have a bad day, and by letting yourself have one you are actually helping yourself in the long run. Although it feels like the bad mood started from nowhere, it probably didn't and there is a reason for why you feel the way that you do, even if you don't know what it is. So just accept it, and instead focus on how to move on from it. 

Different methods work for different people. You have to think about you, and what is going to be best. Need to sweat it out in the gym? Go for it. just want to sit in bed, eat, watch Netflix and have a cry? We chose to spend a couple of hours in bed watching Friends eating homemade cookies, but whatever floats your boat - do it, and don't feel guilty for it.

Too often our biggest critic is ourselves, and we make our mood so much worse. Give yourself a down day (or a couple if that's what it takes) and just take a step back to figure out what you need. If you don't know, or what you need can't be achieved then what are you going to do about it? Take time to fix your attitude, and you will make the problem better.

It's ok to have a bad day, but it's not ok for it to turn into a bad life. So do what needs be, without any guilt, and remember the downer is only temporary.

It's Ok To Never Feel At Home 

Moving out gives a whole new meaning to being 'home sick'. 

So often you find yourself wanting to go 'home', and then you get there and it's never what you needed it to be. It's no longer a place you go and fit into straight away, instead you find yourself feeling like a guest. 

Is it because you know that you being there is temporary? Or because you have your own way of doing things now, ways that you actually prefer (sorry, mum). 

You get so used to doing things for yourself, that to try and fit into a different routine makes home far from the relaxing place that you desire it to be. 

When you get lonely, or want to escape from the routine you are starting to dread, you think of home. But your perception of home is past tense. What you're really missing is the way home was before you left, it's not just home, it's the life you had before. 

As soon as you get home, you start to miss the life that you've crafted yourself. Leaving home was scary, and to overcome the fear you put your everything into your new life, but this meant that without realising you were replacing the home you had before. A home that deep down you will never allow to feel like your own anymore. 

This sounds like an unhappy post, but it's not. This is the next stage of your life, a chance for you to do things your way. Have a mum that insists on all the kitchen being matching, but you love mismatch? Now's your chance to create it. 

So often we seek comfort in the way we have been brought up, but now is the time to learn from your upbringing and use what you loved about home in a life of your own. 

If you're at Uni you won't feel at home just yet, as it's hard to feel at home when something is temporary, but you need to accept that you cannot go back. Your home will come, and Uni is the perfect trial for how you will create it.

It's ok that you don't feel at home anywhere just yet, having somewhere to live doesn't mean that you will feel at home.