It's OK To Deal With Things In Your Own Way

I've had a tough few weeks, and if you know me at all you would know that that sentence alone is hard for me to even admit.

I'm very private and I would say I'm quite guarded. I don't choose to share a lot of my life with people and when I see others sharing every detail of their life, I can't help but question why. Why would you want to tell someone that you're going through a tough time? That something awful is bringing you down and you can't stop crying? What do you gain from offering that information?

I come from quite a large family. My dad is one of six, and I am one of 16 grandchildren, and then we have eight grandchildren (four more are on their way). Growing up, I didn't even realise I had a big family, I didn't bat an eyelid.

Now this is the hard bit for me. In the last six months, we've lost three people from our family. My Auntie Lou, Uncle Kevin, and most recently, my Grandpa. I've experienced grief before, but I've never lost anybody who was that close to me. So, to lose three in six months has taken a huge hole out of our family. I come from a family of very strong people, I idolise my dad for his strength and bravery. Over the last six months he's had to make so many tough decisions, and had to take the reins on so many situations on the behalf of our family. Everyday we remind him that we don't know how we would have done it without him.

I love my family to bits. But somewhere in all of us, we have it engrained that to show suffering and pain is a sign of weakness, and if you show somebody that weakness they could use it against you. I always liked that I was private and that I don't need nor like to lean on people for support or help. Like I said, I question why others would want to share this kind of information with others. I personally do not think it would help me very much.

Don't get me wrong, I do have a few people in my life who I willingly share things with. I'm not afraid to cry in front of people, I'm not ashamed to say that I'm hurting or I'm not OK. I just struggle to find the desire to seek others for help.

After recent times, I've now realised how hard that makes me as a person to be around. It must be hard for my friends to want to be there for me, to offer their support, but be met by a brick wall. Effectively, that is what I have been at certain points. This is something that dawned on me this week, when I was met with messages from my friends asking questions. I started to beat myself up about the fact people were trying to comfort me, to help me and I was rejecting it completely.

Then I realise that the only way I have gotten through these last few months is that way and that way only. I realised that every message I have replied to has been my honest response at that given moment, if I said I didn't want to talk, it's because I didn't. No attention seeking, I wasn't actively trying to be private, I just didn't seek a conversation at that point in time. And you know what? That's OK.

So really, this post is a kind of 'To Kirsti', for the future. When I start to question whether my actions are right, or whether I should deal with it in that way, the answer is yes. Whatever your gut tells you, whatever your instinct is, is perfectly OK. Grief and mourning are an awful but strengthening period, and if the people around you tell you you're doing it wrong, they aren't the kind of people worth leaning on anyway.

Kirsti x

How Social Media Has Changed Us

Changed might be the wrong name for this post. Maybe it was there before but we just never noticed it, or maybe social media has brought out a side of us and just exaggerated it. But I’m sure that I don’t remember people being so in-your-face before. I don’t remember this much bragging going on. Is that true? Or was it just easier to ignore then? When it was just coming from someones mouth it was easier to zone it. Now, it’s all over our phones. Every platform we are on, it’s there. You’ve posted the same image over Instagram, Twitter and Facebook just to ensure that every person in your life has seen it.

Now, don’t get me wrong. We’re all guilty of it, we all have given in to it and now document most aspects of our life. Granted, some worse than others but recently it’s really started to get to me. It’s really started to annoy me way more than it did before. I can’t go out for lunch with my friends without one of them putting up a picture of what we ate. When did that become so important? Why does everyone need to know every minute of your day?

Instagram is now a really irritating one for this. It’s now become everybody’s blog – they update their followers like they are a fan base. It’s so superficial and so frustrating that I now search for posts that look at least a little genuine, like that person isn’t just putting that on for show, but actually because they just like that photo and want to share it. There are little numbers of genuine desire to share, and more and more of just showing off.

Holidays just illustrate this. I have never seen so many people post pictures of their Christmas presents, until this year. When did that become so impersonal? It used to be about spending it with your family, thought over price – now what, if your boyfriend didn’t get that Michael Kors watch for you, you won’t have anything to post? It’s crazy. But it’s true. I see it in everyone.

I have friends who have posted a picture of themselves at the gym, taken months ago, and yet repost it today just because they forgot to take a picture of it that day, and couldn’t possibly not document that moment in life.

It’s stupid. How ridiculous does that sound? But then look at yourself. How many times have you gone to post a picture or a tweet but haven’t done it because it’s not “interesting enough”, or you have actually posted something just to prove a point. You hate that picture of you from last night, but you post it anyway just so everyone knows you weren’t sat in waiting to find out who killed Lucy Beale (guilty).

I think my problem with it lies within the fact that I find it all fake. I find that people feel forced to post something to prove their existence, or prove their worth. ‘OMG, you don’t have Facebook? Where do you post that you went for a cheeky Nandos?’ springs to mind. It’s funny, I know. But at the same time it’s scary. I feel that we’ve lost a sense of life, whilst trying to desperately to show that we have one. We can no longer wish our Mum’s a happy Mothers Day without posting it everywhere so that the world knows that she's ‘the best mum in the world’.

Nothing feels genuine. I hate the feeling that someone is posting something for me, when it’s actually for the sake of their followers.

Kirsti x 

It's OK To Have Different Friends

It’s like we are taught from a young age that we will always be in a group of friends. I don’t remember ever being told that, but it was always portrayed as the ideal, wasn’t it?

Look at Sex And The City, four girls who are best friends. They are a solid group who always meet up and are just always friends, no matter what. And Friends, a group of six people who just fit together. They have other friends who flitter in and out but those six always stick.

The problem is that this is unrealistic. But this is also saddening. Most of us feel that if we aren’t part of some sort of friendship group that we no longer have any and nobody really cares about us. We feel like we’ve failed in society and that it must be a personal thing - we must have something wrong with us?! Surely?! No. You don’t.

As I grew older, I realised it was less important to have one best friend who fulfils every purpose. Now, I have friends for different reasons. I have friends who I trust, these are the ones I would confide in or moan about something if I’m having a really crap day. Then I have friends who I primarily see to get drunk with or just go for lunch now and again. 

Now there are plenty of other roles that friends fulfil, and some tick more than one of those boxes. But the point is, it doesn’t make them less of a ‘friend’ to you because you can’t trust them, or you can’t say something crude to them because they don’t quite have that sense of humour. This is normal. I promise.

I love my friends for all different reasons. I dislike them hugely at times too, and this is a major thing I really picked up on at university. When I moved away and started to make new friends, I realised things I found there were things I desired in friendships – then I realised that this was a really fixed way of looking at it. Why am I looking for characteristics in people that I already have in others? Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of friends who are very similar to each other, and I get on with them for those reasons, but it’s OK that some of my friends are the complete opposites.

In fact, I love it. It gives me so much variety in what I can talk to people about, I’m not flittering between people repeating the same conversations and receiving the same answers. If I have some kind of issue I want opinions on, I can gather a complete range because my friends aren’t all clones of each other.

What I’m trying to say, is that at school it was drummed into you that your best friends were the people you got on really well with, or the ones that always invite you over to their house. This was incorrect, because when I left school I soon realised that a lot of people were in my life because of habit. This doesn’t mean I dislike them any less, it just means that when we were taken out of normal situation, it turned out we weren’t that good friends after all. It wasn’t fake, it was life.

Some people you will realise you actually have nothing in common with, and in reality they are actually a pretty shitty person. They lied to you, they were sly or they were just plain rude – either way, you’ve decided you actually don’t want them around anymore. That’s fine. Sometimes it takes a step back to realise what you were putting up with for the sake of a ‘friend’.

My advice is to evaluate what you want from your friends. If that friend makes you laugh til you’re belly hurts, but she has a tendency to gossip… then don’t tell her those really private things that you don’t want to be shared. Nobody's perfect, it's unlikely that you will find somebody with no faults or annoying habits. 

Oh, the most important thing - remember that you should be valued too, if somebody wants you in their life, they will show it and they will act on it. Don’t do all of the chasing, you’ll regret it one day.

Kirsti x

Best of Benefit - Our Top 5

Between us we probably own near to everything that Benefit sell (we really are useless at a student budget). With all the hype around the new Benefit releases we thought that it would be good to pick our top 5 that we couldn't live without.

First up is "that gal". At £22.50 this is pretty pricey for what it is, but once again we were tempted by a free sample, and once it ran out it just had to go on the Christmas list. This product is used in between moisturising and applying foundation, and acts as a prep for the skin. It is silky, spreads easily and helps give your skin a fresh looking flow. The bottle has a bottom that twists and the primer then appears on the top, and then you apply with your fingers. It is worth the money? Hmm this is debatable, while we absolutely love it, on a student budget it does seem a lot to pay despite it being better than any others we have previously used. 

When you're a student the late nights really do catch up on you, and no amount of RedBull seems to work on the tiredness of your under eyes. Ooh La Lift comes in at £17, and works as an instant eye lift. You simply apply three dots under the eye, smooth it into the skin and the whole area is instantly brightened. It can be used in the morning, and re-applied throughout the day as you get more tired. As far as eye-brightening products go this is definitely the best we have come across (lecturers have no idea we've been partying all night).

This choice was tricky as between us we own both Hervana and Hoopla. At £23 the price is standard for a Benefit bronzer/blusher making the decision between the two even harder. While Hoopla is highly rated in the blogger world Hervana just got the edge with it's mix of colours. Each of the shades compliment each other and give your cheek the perfect blush. 

Finding the right concealer must be one of the hardest parts about buying make up. We can't even begin to count how many we have been through before finding one that is perfect for both coverage, and colour. Benefit Boi ing (£16.50) fits the best of both, providing a decent coverage without looking cakey or as if the skin is obviously concealed. It works well when applied to areas of the face that should be highlighted, removing any unwanted shine or blemishes. 

With the new release of the Benefit Roller Lash we wanted to make sure an old favourite isn't forgotten. Coming in at £19.50 this Mascara is pricey, but we've lost count of how many we have gone through (it's that good). It separates the lashes perfectly, and creates a long lashes that provide a length that creates a false effect. The brush is firm, and easy to apply and the results last all throughout the day. It can also be easily built up depending on the reason for the use, making it a staple in all looks.