It's OK To Deal With Things In Your Own Way

I've had a tough few weeks, and if you know me at all you would know that that sentence alone is hard for me to even admit.

I'm very private and I would say I'm quite guarded. I don't choose to share a lot of my life with people and when I see others sharing every detail of their life, I can't help but question why. Why would you want to tell someone that you're going through a tough time? That something awful is bringing you down and you can't stop crying? What do you gain from offering that information?

I come from quite a large family. My dad is one of six, and I am one of 16 grandchildren, and then we have eight grandchildren (four more are on their way). Growing up, I didn't even realise I had a big family, I didn't bat an eyelid.

Now this is the hard bit for me. In the last six months, we've lost three people from our family. My Auntie Lou, Uncle Kevin, and most recently, my Grandpa. I've experienced grief before, but I've never lost anybody who was that close to me. So, to lose three in six months has taken a huge hole out of our family. I come from a family of very strong people, I idolise my dad for his strength and bravery. Over the last six months he's had to make so many tough decisions, and had to take the reins on so many situations on the behalf of our family. Everyday we remind him that we don't know how we would have done it without him.

I love my family to bits. But somewhere in all of us, we have it engrained that to show suffering and pain is a sign of weakness, and if you show somebody that weakness they could use it against you. I always liked that I was private and that I don't need nor like to lean on people for support or help. Like I said, I question why others would want to share this kind of information with others. I personally do not think it would help me very much.

Don't get me wrong, I do have a few people in my life who I willingly share things with. I'm not afraid to cry in front of people, I'm not ashamed to say that I'm hurting or I'm not OK. I just struggle to find the desire to seek others for help.

After recent times, I've now realised how hard that makes me as a person to be around. It must be hard for my friends to want to be there for me, to offer their support, but be met by a brick wall. Effectively, that is what I have been at certain points. This is something that dawned on me this week, when I was met with messages from my friends asking questions. I started to beat myself up about the fact people were trying to comfort me, to help me and I was rejecting it completely.

Then I realise that the only way I have gotten through these last few months is that way and that way only. I realised that every message I have replied to has been my honest response at that given moment, if I said I didn't want to talk, it's because I didn't. No attention seeking, I wasn't actively trying to be private, I just didn't seek a conversation at that point in time. And you know what? That's OK.

So really, this post is a kind of 'To Kirsti', for the future. When I start to question whether my actions are right, or whether I should deal with it in that way, the answer is yes. Whatever your gut tells you, whatever your instinct is, is perfectly OK. Grief and mourning are an awful but strengthening period, and if the people around you tell you you're doing it wrong, they aren't the kind of people worth leaning on anyway.

Kirsti x

How Social Media Has Changed Us

Changed might be the wrong name for this post. Maybe it was there before but we just never noticed it, or maybe social media has brought out a side of us and just exaggerated it. But I’m sure that I don’t remember people being so in-your-face before. I don’t remember this much bragging going on. Is that true? Or was it just easier to ignore then? When it was just coming from someones mouth it was easier to zone it. Now, it’s all over our phones. Every platform we are on, it’s there. You’ve posted the same image over Instagram, Twitter and Facebook just to ensure that every person in your life has seen it.

Now, don’t get me wrong. We’re all guilty of it, we all have given in to it and now document most aspects of our life. Granted, some worse than others but recently it’s really started to get to me. It’s really started to annoy me way more than it did before. I can’t go out for lunch with my friends without one of them putting up a picture of what we ate. When did that become so important? Why does everyone need to know every minute of your day?

Instagram is now a really irritating one for this. It’s now become everybody’s blog – they update their followers like they are a fan base. It’s so superficial and so frustrating that I now search for posts that look at least a little genuine, like that person isn’t just putting that on for show, but actually because they just like that photo and want to share it. There are little numbers of genuine desire to share, and more and more of just showing off.

Holidays just illustrate this. I have never seen so many people post pictures of their Christmas presents, until this year. When did that become so impersonal? It used to be about spending it with your family, thought over price – now what, if your boyfriend didn’t get that Michael Kors watch for you, you won’t have anything to post? It’s crazy. But it’s true. I see it in everyone.

I have friends who have posted a picture of themselves at the gym, taken months ago, and yet repost it today just because they forgot to take a picture of it that day, and couldn’t possibly not document that moment in life.

It’s stupid. How ridiculous does that sound? But then look at yourself. How many times have you gone to post a picture or a tweet but haven’t done it because it’s not “interesting enough”, or you have actually posted something just to prove a point. You hate that picture of you from last night, but you post it anyway just so everyone knows you weren’t sat in waiting to find out who killed Lucy Beale (guilty).

I think my problem with it lies within the fact that I find it all fake. I find that people feel forced to post something to prove their existence, or prove their worth. ‘OMG, you don’t have Facebook? Where do you post that you went for a cheeky Nandos?’ springs to mind. It’s funny, I know. But at the same time it’s scary. I feel that we’ve lost a sense of life, whilst trying to desperately to show that we have one. We can no longer wish our Mum’s a happy Mothers Day without posting it everywhere so that the world knows that she's ‘the best mum in the world’.

Nothing feels genuine. I hate the feeling that someone is posting something for me, when it’s actually for the sake of their followers.

Kirsti x 

It's OK To Have Different Friends

It’s like we are taught from a young age that we will always be in a group of friends. I don’t remember ever being told that, but it was always portrayed as the ideal, wasn’t it?

Look at Sex And The City, four girls who are best friends. They are a solid group who always meet up and are just always friends, no matter what. And Friends, a group of six people who just fit together. They have other friends who flitter in and out but those six always stick.

The problem is that this is unrealistic. But this is also saddening. Most of us feel that if we aren’t part of some sort of friendship group that we no longer have any and nobody really cares about us. We feel like we’ve failed in society and that it must be a personal thing - we must have something wrong with us?! Surely?! No. You don’t.

As I grew older, I realised it was less important to have one best friend who fulfils every purpose. Now, I have friends for different reasons. I have friends who I trust, these are the ones I would confide in or moan about something if I’m having a really crap day. Then I have friends who I primarily see to get drunk with or just go for lunch now and again. 

Now there are plenty of other roles that friends fulfil, and some tick more than one of those boxes. But the point is, it doesn’t make them less of a ‘friend’ to you because you can’t trust them, or you can’t say something crude to them because they don’t quite have that sense of humour. This is normal. I promise.

I love my friends for all different reasons. I dislike them hugely at times too, and this is a major thing I really picked up on at university. When I moved away and started to make new friends, I realised things I found there were things I desired in friendships – then I realised that this was a really fixed way of looking at it. Why am I looking for characteristics in people that I already have in others? Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of friends who are very similar to each other, and I get on with them for those reasons, but it’s OK that some of my friends are the complete opposites.

In fact, I love it. It gives me so much variety in what I can talk to people about, I’m not flittering between people repeating the same conversations and receiving the same answers. If I have some kind of issue I want opinions on, I can gather a complete range because my friends aren’t all clones of each other.

What I’m trying to say, is that at school it was drummed into you that your best friends were the people you got on really well with, or the ones that always invite you over to their house. This was incorrect, because when I left school I soon realised that a lot of people were in my life because of habit. This doesn’t mean I dislike them any less, it just means that when we were taken out of normal situation, it turned out we weren’t that good friends after all. It wasn’t fake, it was life.

Some people you will realise you actually have nothing in common with, and in reality they are actually a pretty shitty person. They lied to you, they were sly or they were just plain rude – either way, you’ve decided you actually don’t want them around anymore. That’s fine. Sometimes it takes a step back to realise what you were putting up with for the sake of a ‘friend’.

My advice is to evaluate what you want from your friends. If that friend makes you laugh til you’re belly hurts, but she has a tendency to gossip… then don’t tell her those really private things that you don’t want to be shared. Nobody's perfect, it's unlikely that you will find somebody with no faults or annoying habits. 

Oh, the most important thing - remember that you should be valued too, if somebody wants you in their life, they will show it and they will act on it. Don’t do all of the chasing, you’ll regret it one day.

Kirsti x

Being Friends and Being House Mates

        

Being friends with someone and being house mates are two very different things. I adore my friends, would I choose to live with them? Nuh uh.

Em & I are quite lucky that we were house mates before we were friends. Well, we’d spoken on Facebook prior to meeting (that makes us sound creepy, doesn't it?) but we weren't really friends. Our friendship was based on learning. 1) We were learning about each other as a person, determining if we were going to be friends, how well we got on, how similar we are etc. and 2) we were learning to live with each other.

This sounds silly and quite obvious. But it’s something we both hadn't been through before, and many others haven’t before university. You've always lived with your family, people who take you for what you are because they've always had to. 

My brother was a nightmare when I was in my teens, he's so lazy and untidy and it was unbearable. But what could I do? I can scream and shout but its' just the way he is.

Now, we were quite lucky in our first year. We were surrounded by friends in other flats/houses who were going through hell. Flatmates who stole their food, smashed up the kitchen, broke doors, tables… whatever. Our flatmates were not perfect by a long-shot, they were unwilling to clean without being nudged, but they weren't the worst, so we were thankful. 

Anyway.... back to the subject. Em & I were getting to know each other, as a friend, as well as getting to know our daily habits. Em has a habit of cooking dinner, but using up all the worktop space. She has packets, chopping boards and random bits of food spread around our kitchen. I spent most of first year piling it up for her so I could make some room to cook my own dinner. 

Me? I talk to my food. That sounds odd. Let me give an example. I tell it to "hurry up" or "wait there". Ok that's odd. But anyway, living with strangers whilst growing a friendship means you learn absolutely everything about them, all at once.

Traditionally, people meet. They spend time together, they decide they like each other. They think they like each other enough to move in together - this means learning a whole new side to them. That boyfriend you've had for 7 years and you're sure is 'your perfect match'? Yeah... has a habit of leaving dirty tissues everywhere and he wears the same jeans 8 times before washing them. You now have to adapt to this.

Isn't it weird to think that you've known some of your friends for years, yet you're basing a friendship on only really knowing them for snippets of their life? You don't see them 24/7, you don't see them go through every emotion, every mood swing or every illness... You can pick and choose what you show. 

University is such a test. Em & I have a stronger friendship than I do with the majority of my friends from home. Why? Because we have to spend so much time together. We've learnt every aspect of each others character, there is nothing we can possibly hide. We know each other inside out. 

It works both ways. People I would usually have a great friendship with because we share the same sense of humour or the same interests, I can't stand because I know how lazy and unclean they are. 

Isn't it strange how you judge a friendship or relationship on how well you 'get on'? Yet you could be basing that whilst only knowing half of their character. I wonder how many of my existing friends I would still like if I'd had to learn all of their personality. 

It's OK To Have Felt Like You Want To Leave Uni

Nowadays it's drummed into us that after college Uni is the next step. College puts pressure on you to apply if you're unsure, and with everyone around you being tempted you find yourself doing it too. Before you know it you've convinced yourself that a) Uni is your only option, and b) it's what you want to do.

Fast forward a year and you've made it. You're a Uni student. You're here so it must be what you want, and you must be happy with your choice, right?

If it only it were that easy! Trust us when we say that whether you are waiting to go to Uni, are in your first, second or final year there will be times when you will ask yourself 'what have I done'?.

If there's one thing all students will agree on it's that Uni really is an emotional roller coaster. You will go through phases so quick that sometimes you aren't even aware of the phase you are in. One day you will love Uni and another day you will completely hate it, and question why you ever thought it was a good idea.... and that's ok.

There are a million reasons why you feel like this, and we can guarantee that you are not alone in feeling it. Maybe you're struggling with your course, whether that's finding it too hard or just wondering if you have chosen the right one (especially if you're first year), or maybe it's the Uni life itself.

The problem is that Uni is like nothing you have ever experienced before. Up until now you've been pretty safe in your comfort zone, and mostly known what to expect. Uni takes that comfort completely away from you, making you feel unsettled, and sometimes all alone.

If you make it through Uni without ever questioning your choice of going then wow, well done you! But for the rest of us, it's completely normal to feel like this. While we have had these thoughts many times, they have always passed and we have managed to fall back in love with Uni again. Having said this, it's ok if you can't. You've made such a huge life change, and the thought of backing out of it can actually be more daunting than seeing it through.

You need to do what makes you happy, and despite what society is telling you, Uni is not for everyone. Don't be afraid to leave if it's not for you, but remember that sometimes you will have doubts, and that's OK.

If it's becoming a constant feeling then maybe it is time to consider your options, discover whether you really want to complete Uni. But for most of us, doubts will come and go, its unlikely that you will feel 100% about your choice to be at university, ever (sorry to break it to you). Remember you're not alone, and many others are/have been through it.

Our advice? Don't make rash decisions. It's OK to have doubts.

30 Things We'd Tell Our 14-Year-Old Selves

This year we both turn 21. We’ve lived together for a year and a half now and are pretty close, we share basically everything – including our mood swings. Deep conversations (or DMC’s if you’d prefer) are a common habit of ours and today we found ourselves compiling a list of things we would tell our 14-year-old selves. 

So here it is, agree or disagree? Can you think of more? Leave a comment, we’d love to know!

1. Pull your skirt down

2. Stop using dream matte mousse

3. Throw your Jane Norman bag away. Now

4. You really don't need 6 layers of mascara

5. It is not OK to have holes in your tights

6. Cross-the-body bags will give you severe back ache in a few years

7. Lunchtime is for eating not a chance to re-do your make-up

8. Go and get your eyebrows done professionally. You will suffer for the over-plucking

9. Don’t let the sole of your shoe fall off before you buy new ones

10. Your mum is right. That friend will screw you over

11. Quality over quantity. This refers to friends, layers of mascara…

12. Eat as much pizza as possible, fast metabolism is a temporary gift

13. Stop moaning. That homework is not real work, do it and then go out.

14. You do not love him

15. Friendships aren't based on time. Just because you've known them the longest, doesn't mean they are the most important.

16. Do not stop playing netball just because your friends have

17. Do not stop anything just because your friends have

18. That lip gloss does not make you look “sassy”

19. Your mum’s cooking is not crap

20. Stop holding your fringe with a clip

21. On the subject of fringes, a gap is not the end of the world

22. Stick-on fake nails do not look real. At all

23. Claire’s Accessories does not count as jewellery

24. And Charlie does not count as perfume

25. Lambrini is not wine and Vodka should be mixed

26. Only speaking over text does not count as a relationship. You will not call him an “ex” when you’re twenty.

27. Your natural hair colour is fine

28. Be prepared for your friends to really let you down. But chill, you will find friends that really do care

29. Not everyone sticks to “treat others how you like to be treated”. Remember that.

30. And lastly, relax. You’re doing better than what you think you are

It's OK To Never Feel At Home...

Moving out gives a whole new meaning to being 'home sick'. 

So often you find yourself wanting to go 'home', and then you get there and it's never what you needed it to be. It's no longer a place you go and fit into straight away, instead you find yourself feeling like a guest. 

Is it because you know that you being there is temporary? Or because you have your own way of doing things now, ways that you actually prefer (sorry, mum). 

You get so used to doing things for yourself, that to try and fit into a different routine makes home far from the relaxing place that you desire it to be. 

When you get lonely, or want to escape from the routine you are starting to dread, you think of home. But your perception of home is past tense. What you're really missing is the way home was before you left, it's not just home, it's the life you had before. 

As soon as you get home, you start to miss the life that you've crafted yourself. Leaving home was scary, and to overcome the fear you put your everything into your new life, but this meant that without realising you were replacing the home you had before. A home that deep down you will never allow to feel like your own anymore. 

This sounds like an unhappy post, but it's not. This is the next stage of your life, a chance for you to do things your way. Have a mum that insists on all the kitchen being matching, but you love mismatch? Now's your chance to create it. 

So often we seek comfort in the way we have been brought up, but now is the time to learn from your upbringing and use what you loved about home in a life of your own. 

If you're at Uni you won't feel at home just yet, as it's hard to feel at home when something is temporary, but you need to accept that you cannot go back. Your home will come, and Uni is the perfect trial for how you will create it.

It's ok that you don't feel at home anywhere just yet, having somewhere to live doesn't mean that you will feel at home. 

From Halls To House

Thursday morning, VERY hungover, Em & I were laid on our kitchen floor, attempting to get the cap off of our washing machines filter (eh?). Yup, this week our washing machine broke. 

We tried, we really did, for a good hour in fact. We were trying to be independent and prove that we could cope without Tim, our maintenance guy from halls. But, to our dismay, we were left with a wet kitchen floor, an increasing headache and a phone call to make. Thankfully, our landlords are pretty good and came round the next day to discover it really is broken and our new washing machine is now on its way!

So, this got me thinking of the differences between first and second year of uni. You join first year convinced you're leaving home and going to be so independent, when in fact you are in the safe hands of the security guy downstairs. Your shower isn't hot enough? No problem, Tim will sort that for you!

On the plus side, when the fire alarm goes off I can now just wave a tea towel around and the piercing sound stops. Last year, we were left standing in the car park at 5am because someone decided then was a perfect time to cook. The thought of that now seems unbearable, yet last year we weren't bothered at all and in fact found it quite amusing. 

I've now come to realise that this is because of the lack of responsibility. I knew it was someone else's job and I could moan to the moon and back because it wasn't my problem to fix.

Moving In Day!

Last year, if my rent wasn't paid on time I would email reception to tell them it would be a few days late - "no problem" they'd say. Nowadays, if I told my estate agent my rent would be a few days late, I would hear the words "that'll be an extra £35 per day". Shocking. I know. 

Oh yeah, estate agents are not good to students. They aren't good to many people but they really are awful to students. Small tip, which you will hear from every student, don't take everything they say and accept it. If they want a £400 admin fee, knock them down. It's extortionate. Another thing, read your tenancy agreement before signing! They really do worm some corkers in there.

There are so many things you have to adapt to when you begin second year, but it's not all bad! I do not miss my tiny single bed along with my tiny room. But an en suite? Yeah, could do with one of those..

Happy Moaning!
Kirsti

Long Distance Relationships: The Arguments

They say making up with your partner is the best part of fighting. Some couples even enjoy arguing because the making up is so enjoyable. This, I can tell you, is because of the wonder that is make-up sex. So what do you do when your boyfriend is thousands of miles away? When the chance of intercourse is zero and instead you get a lousy ‘sorry’ text.

It’s tough. Long distance relationships are tough. I didn’t realise just how important reassurance is in a relationship until my boyfriend moved away. Normally, it would just come from being in their presence. You argue, you both say sorry, cuddle, kiss, you know the rest. A new conversation begins and all memory of an argument is gone. Nobody prepares you for that to change, or at least nobody warned me.

It’s as if there is no proper end to a fight if you aren’t stood in front of each other. As a whole, a lack of reassurance can put a lot of pressure and anxiety into a relationship. Normally, your partner would call and ask if you want to go for dinner, or if you want to chill and watch that film you've been raving about for weeks. Suddenly everything revolves around words. Yes, you can send a nice card or present via post and remind them that you’re thinking of them, but how many students can afford £7.50 postage (Seriously, do Royal Mail not offer student discount?)

If you said this to me a two years ago, I would say that I’m not the kind of person who needs reassurance. I would say that I don’t need my boyfriend to tell me he’s missing me or he saw something that day and it reminded him of me. But long distance relationships are a whole new world, a world where suddenly “actions speak louder than words” is pretty much irrelevant. It’s time to man up and say your feelings out loud. Misunderstandings are frequent and communication really is important. We all know how easy it is to interpret a text wrong, and we’ve all had an argument spiral out of control because your tone of voice was ‘stressy’.

It’s important to take the time to not only check your messages before you send them, but make sure the relationship is of equal sides. Remember that your partner isn’t a mind reader, and sometimes it’s nice to wake up to a ‘hey! you need to watch this film, I know you’d love it’. Be careful not to jump the gun, and most importantly – make time for each other. Just because you cannot physically be together, doesn't mean that you stop making time for them. Find a time that you can both have a proper conversation, whether it be on the phone or on Skype.

Its tough (I’ve said that, haven’t I?), but it is worth it. It just takes a lot of getting used to, and a lot of moaning along the way..

Kirsti 

That first week of freedom

It's getting to that time of year where many of you will be preparing to enter the next stage of your life and head off to university. Believe us, we know it's daunting.

While some feel that it is right for them to stay at home, we both wanted to move to a whole new place, and were probably tempted by halls more than university itself.

Right about now you're probably picturing yourself in each of the locations you visit, are excited about the prospect of getting away from your boring old town and equally as petrified about the strangers you will be living with.

Now it's probably worth mentioning that our story isn't quite like others. We are both studying advertising, and entered the wonderful world of Facebook to 'virtually meet' beforehand. As we nattered away about all our uni woes and worries, we were completely unaware that we would be not only in the same flat, but the rooms next door. After the initial squeals were over and done with we were just relieved that not everyone around us was a complete stranger.

While this is pretty unusual, and we were extremely lucky, it's important to note that most people you will meet when moving in are friendly, and won't be strangers for long. No seriously, wait until the next morning where you are all hungover and feel as though you've known each other forever.

In fact this whole friendly feel will stick through at least the whole of freshers, and if you're lucky even longer. But what people don't warn you about, is that what you are going through is what students refer to as the 'honeymoon period'. Like a relationship, everyone is happy to please at first. Do each others washing up here and there, have the standard 'family fajita night' and feel like you know everything there is to know about your flatmates sex life through playing 'I have never'.

This does fade. This is normal.

And while we don't want to dampen your thoughts of the 'fabulous freshers' (because if we could back, believe us we would!), I guess we just want you to enjoy it while it lasts. You're finally free from your parents, it's completely acceptable to cook a pizza at three in the morning and not get out of your pjs all day. The clubs are just at the bottom of the lift, and there will be that one night when you are so drunk that you end up back in your bed before midnight, don't worry we've all been there.

So yes you will be nervous, and probably cry when your parents leave (no? just us?) but freshers is the time of your life and every moment of it should be spent either drunk or hungover. That being said there will come a time when you realise that you didn't need to rush out of home so fast, and you will eventually appreciate it more than you ever have before.

I guess what we are trying to say is that you will absolutely love uni, and your new life, but we wouldn't be us if we didn't warn you of the moans that follow.